>_< This Is Not My Hat: A Critical Review

So I'm perusing through Target yesterday and came across some children's books. I see the classics roll by: The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Are You My Mommy, etc. Then I come across a pair of books that catch my interest, one of which I will be doing a critical review in the following paragraphs, and the other I'll save for a later date (perhaps tomorrow). The book is titled This is not My Hat by Jon Klassen. Now Jon - can I call you Jon? - I believe your target audience consists of a younger age, those who may not be able to read, or just started reading. I for one fall into the special sub-category of "just getting back into reading and not sure if I can still read or not." Naturally this < 20 page thriller was just right for me. Though Jon, I fear that your audience has experienced the phenomena akin to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. You wanted a children's book, but you ended up with something a different generation and audience appreciates. It's pretty amazing really. The whole book keeps you engaged in a simple way, and you'll read it through the end whether you like it or not. Let's just start with the cover art:

What a charming little fish, with a charming little hat. Oh, and in case you didn't know. That's not his hat. Already, just from the title, the reader is left wondering who the hell that hat belongs to. This is some deep stuff. Exactly the reason why I decided to pick up the book in the first place. I just need to know. In summary, the smug little bastard up there stole the hat from a bigger fish and is going to hide out in some kelp. "How big's the fish," you might be wondering...

2 Pages big.

The little fish spends about 5-6 pages bragging about how awesome he is, how he'll never get caught hiding in the forest, and as far as to say that the hat didn't even fit the fish right. So it was his god given right to take the hat away from the big fish because it looked so gosh darn better on him. The innocence this little fish has is so obscure. It justifies the stealing of a hat based on how cleanly he got away with it. So we're introduced to a character that we're already rooting against. The little one states that the fish was asleep and won't wake up for a long time. Sorry to burst your bubble, but -

Gettin real tired of your shit.

So now the reader is expecting some good 'ol fashioned butt kicking - er tail flopping. Fish violence. It's real, folks. As much as we'd like to see this all go down as soon as possible, the little fish had made a pretty good claim about how safe he'll be where "the plants are big and tall and close together." There needs to be a catalyst somewhere. Something that's really gonna tie all this future violence together. In order to do this we need to back track on the little fish's journey towards his safe haven. Particularly this scene:

I know nothing.

The little fish ensures the reader that even though he passed that crab up there, he was promised that said crab would not tell big fish where he was going. I mean that's a pretty good point there, and it really solidifies a symbol of comradery among nautical creatures. It's a good lesson for little kids to be able to find trust in other humans at first, instead of automatically rejecting the idea outright. They'll learn when they're adults that people pretty much suck a majority of the time, and it turns out being underwater is no exception.

You fucking rat.

By now you should already realize that the real appeal to this book are the illustrations. I mean just look at the genuine fear in that crabs eyes and the burning hell fire in the big fish's eyes. The unprecedented irony of the text that appears on this page. The contrasting colors. LEAVES. THE GOSH DARN LEAVES. This fight is going to go down and it's all thanks to Benedict Arnold over there. Though in his defense, I'd probably do the same in that situation.

So big fish has got his guns set to "kill" and as expected, little fish makes his way into the plant forest without worry.

Oh how wrong you are.

On of the best things about this book is its openness to interpretation. Which is pretty great for any age because the ending to the novel is so open ended, that it sort of gives you the freedom to end to book yourself. I mean yea basically the big fish goes into the kelp and finds the little fish, but the last page of the book is this:

He basically gets his goddamn hat back. With that smug look on his face too. What happened in the kelp? Did he just take it? Did he eat the little fish? Did he take the hat from the little fish and it didn't notice in some weird opposite plot universe? It's really all up to the reader and really there's only one ending that I could be happy with...

This guy dies.

ta ta kids

>_< Business Trippin'

So a couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to embark on another landmark of my professional career: my very first business trip. Just talking about it makes me feel 10 years older, like some kind of successful business man, when in reality I'm just a young scientist learning new things. The experience in itself was pretty gratifying, and the best part was it was ALL EXPENSES PAID! That's right, flight, hotel, food... all on the company. Perhaps I even came at a better time, as there was a meeting of the minds of the higher ups. I'll go through my few days up in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.

So one of the things I enjoy doing while traveling is getting to completely bum out during the plain ride. If you're going to be sitting in a space for 4+ hours, then you better bum out. This wasn't the case. This was business. So I ended up traveling in a button up and some dress pants, which was more than annoying, but at least I could take off my shoes to let the professionalism breathe.

Smell that business.

So stopovers are a thing. I had one at Chicago, where apparently there's a gigantic bean. Normally I'd be all over the place looking at new stuff and all the duty free items, but since I was traveling with my boss, I pretty much had to contain myself the whole way. We shared some lunch, but all we ever talk about is business. It kind of takes the whole trip part away from it... but after all it's called a business trip. The rest of the plane ride was alright. Smaller plane, but a lot of leg room. My boss left me to upgrade to first class... which I think is a dick move only knowing that I'd probably do the same in his position.

Pictured: Over-exaggeration

While there I began to feel the professionalism seep through my pores. New faces, new facility, and a whole lot of questions. I did what I need to do as my boss attended the meetings and eventually the shift for that day was about to end (we did arrive after lunch anyway). The real fun began afterward, where I got to check into my own hotel room, my own king size bed, my own space. It was a pretty sweet deal, and don't forget -  all free. There was a bar/restaurant downstairs and a gym that I'll eventually take advantage of the next time I go back, and I will NOT forget sneakers.

The time came to meet up with my boss and others for dinner. Apparently this was a pretty big deal. We got to this fancy place, reserved out a back room and at first it was a cocktail hour kind of environment. Everyone had a beer in their hand, and I was reluctant to ask for any - but apparently with this group beer is good. AGAIN - ALL FREE. Everyone started to get comfortable with their drinks, becoming more open to conversation and eventually we all sat down to eat. This place was pretty fancy. We're talking waiter goes around and shoves wine in your face and you can ask for a sample. Do the little swirl thing and sip the wine like I know what I'm doing. Either way, I just went with it.

"Yes, this certainly tastes like wine."

Now the weird thing about this particular company dinner - and probably all the others to come - is that everyone is older than I, and I really wanted to try and deviate from work conversation. Around these folk, however, it's pretty difficult. I ended up only speaking when I was spoken to, and I watched the hockey game in the background I could see from the bar. There were a few people talking about something I could relate to, but much too far away from the table to contribute. Just waiting for my food. Calamari Salad, 14 oz Rib-eye, and some chocolate dessert. I took a photo of it for you:

Surprisingly low in fat.

During the first night in the hotel, I didn't find much to do because of the whole forgot my sneaker issue, so I just decided to relax it all off, plane rides, a days work, and good food. Not much TV going on in Canada, or at least not enough for me to know. Eventually I just did what I normally would do, fall asleep to YouTube videos. One important side note that I ended up learning sooner rather than later is that in the summer, Canada's experiences a sunset around 10 PM and will rise at about 4 AM. Which is insane, because I had to shut the blinds and turn of all the lights to convince my body that it was time for some sleep. I've heard its the opposite in the winter, which basically means I'm not going up there in the winter.

Ah, those summer nights in Canada...

Next day was more or less the same. Did my work, and dinner was located at an older male colleagues request, a fancy Hooters called Earl's. There a group of 4 colleagues began opening up a bit more and we talked less about work and more about not work. The man who chose the location for dinner has a retarded child. He (not the child) enjoys ABC's Once Upon a Time like I do. My female colleague strokes her ego by watching Jeopardy and has commitment issues with her partner. My boss' kids has a real hard ass for a mom, and also enjoys classical music. The last thing I found out is that I'm too young now to relate to some of the things they talk about. Classic movies and actors. Just seems very dated and it's where the fun of talking stopped being fun because I was just out of the loop. Well at least our waitress was attractive. Again - all free.

After dinner and before we were all going to retire to our separate (free) rooms, my boss invited me to the bar later attached to the hotel. We had already been drinking at dinner, but I guess since the bill was picked up by one of our other colleagues, he still had some extra money left to spend on HIS travel card.

"GAH, this one still has money on it!"

I agreed to join him, and was under the assumption that we would talk more about work. We did. Though a part of me was hoping that he would've taken the initiative to talk about something else... or was that supposed to be my job? Did he invite me out in hopes to talk about something else other than work? The dinner we JUST had proved that we don't have much in common anyway... what an evil ploy. I was confused, ordered 2 tall drinks added to my previous drink at dinner. He had 1 and a margarita (I guess that means it WAS supposed to be casual). Either way, he left me with some sound advice, and really made sure I would take care of myself in the future if I ever had to fly this project - or any other endeavor - solo. All in all it was a pretty relaxing, open heart experience. We retired to our rooms and we left for our flight the next morning. What did I learn from all of this business trip experience? My job is giving me much more responsibilities than I originally thought, and my colleagues have a lot of trust in me. Though I guess that's why they hired me in the first place, no?

I have to get me one of those "global entry" passes that my other colleagues have. Since they travel a lot they opted to apply for this option that pretty much let's them pass security. Well... pass it faster. Someone with long hair on top of facial hair doesn't really do too well with the TSA. Especially with the Canadian TSA.

"Yup, definitely American."

All my colleagues took first class on the way back home. Jerks.

ta ta kids

>_< The Pills

So recently I came across this picture on Instagram. Not really sure how long its been around but for some reason I sat there and thought about it way more than anyone should. During my whole thought process though, I decided I wanted to take these notes down somewhere, and what better way than to blog about it? Take a moment to read the above diagrams, though I'm going to put their blurbs during the discussions. Did the answer come easy to you? Maybe I can talk your way out of a couple pills. First, I should lay down some ground rules. The descriptions themselves are pretty good, and if there are ways to exploit them, I'll probably rule it out. I'll hold special boundaries for each pill if necessary. No loop holes. I will throw down, however, that conditions given by the pill are assumed to be automatically controllable - no learning curve needed. For example: the yellow pill can read minds. Once you take it, you can control which minds to read, and not drive yourself crazy with the voices that pass through kind of like Mel Gibson in What Women Want. Yes, it's a dated example but it's good enough. Want a better one? Fine. The green pill makes you fly. No flying into buildings like baby superman. Full control. Capiche? As a final introduction thought, let's remember the quote "with great power comes great responsibility." Anyway let's begin.

Yellow  Pill
Gives you the ability to read any thoughts inside a 100m radius, can only use 5 times a day for a maximum of 30 minutes.

Is it the 3 of clubs?

Special Boundaries: Can be used on the same person. User's responsibility to keep track of 30 min time limit. 100 METERS not miles. (Metric FTW)

This pill came close to the top pick for me. While reading minds a la Professor X or Jean Grey seems like a dream come true, there are in so many ways - depicted so many times - how this can also be a curse. People are weird. People are scary. To be able to read minds, a majority of those I assume to be the minds of those who are closest to you, is probably something you'll regret sooner rather than later. We have our own inner thoughts for a reason, to keep them away from other people, to prevent emotional pain or other wise. What sweetens this deal is the limitations. 100 meters pretty much narrows it down to those you see on a daily bases. I wouldn't really want to go into a strangers mind - unless they were REALLY interesting. Stranger sitting across from the train? No. Stranger sitting across the train rocking back and forth talking to him/herself? Yea I'll take a peek. To be honest, I'd probably use it daily on: a close friend, a coworker, a significant other, a family member, and a stranger. While this pill is fun, a mere sitcoms length of reading minds just wouldn't do me the satisfaction. It can make for a pretty cool party trick though.

Green Pill
Gives you the ability to fly, can only use 3 times a day for a maximum of an hour.

So THIS is what R.Kelly was talking about...

Special Boundaries: Top speed on flying is limited to personal threshold and limitations on the human body. This means no breaking the sound barrier unless time was taken to wear the proper protective equipment. Users responsibility to keep track of usage and one hour limitation.

As I type this post, I'm convinced this is the one for me. In my current lifestyle situation, it would be a GODSEND to use as a form of travel. No more taking the roads, just fly up, and go directly to your location. Saves money on gas, and you'll look good doing it. No wasting time on going sky high and flying over everything. Go just higher than the tallest tree around and casually soar to the destination. I'd assume my personal top speed to be around 100 mph, which is usually what I can handle when I stick my head out the window while driving down the highway. So what normally would be a 10 mile, 30-40 minute commute to work, would be cut down to about less than 10 minutes. Best thing again are the limitations, 3 times a day is good for a commute to work and back, plus an extra for fun times. The one draw back is that if you fly to a destination on your last time up, you better have a way to get back, because you sure as hell ain't flying back. This pill almost requires responsibility and planning, so as not to be abused too much.

Blue Pill
Gives you the ability to master any sport of your choice, but toxins in pill let you live for 10 more years after consumption.

Date rape is not a sport.

Special Boundaries: Since it's YOUR choice, you're able to switch between sports. Being a "master" at a sport does NOT mean being perfect at it, just a little better than the best. Michael Jordan was a master at basketball, but still missed shots. Tiger Woods was a master at golf and sleeping with bitches, but he still missed putts and divorced his wife. So no unlimited 3 pointers, no unlimited holes in one, etc. You get the point. Also, I hate to set this boundary, but it'll probably be limited to your own physical limitation. This will prevent old people making a comeback and also prevent more black people into the NHL. Users responsibility to keep track of 10 year limitation.

This is more of a fun choice. If I were to pick this one, it'd be for completely unselfish reasons. Take it at 18 and spend the next 10 years playing professional sports, get endorsements and sponsors, all for the purpose to leave not only leave a legacy, but to give the money I leave to family and charity, etc. The 10 year limitation coupled with the physical boundary I set for this pill really only gives you the option to take it between the age of early teens to maybe 40 into the 50s. Unless you were really fit, it wouldn't do well to take this pill in the older age spectrum. The fame and fortune along with travel etc. completely dismantles your plan to start a family. The pill doesn't prevent injuries either, so a broken bone will take 3+ months away from your 10 years. Too much liability here.

Orange Pill
Gives you the ability to get high without weed, can only use 4 times a day and lasts for 45 minutes.

Google image searching "your brain on drugs" literally gives you way more pictures of eggs than you expect.

Special Boundaries: Since the pill specifically mentions weed, this pill will only provide the type of high that marijuana gives you. No ecstasy trips, no heroine/meth highs, no shroom hallucinations. I would make the statement about keeping track of the 45 minutes, but let's be honest, you aren't going to when you're high.

Can't really see any appeal to this pill. Give this one to the stoners.

Red Pill
Gives you the ability to access the Internet with your mind, can only use 6 times a day for a maximum of an hour.

This would be your mind. All the time.

Special Boundaries: Pop-ups and ads disabled. You aren't paying anyone to use these services. Internet related capabilities (hacking, web design, etc) are limited to personal knowledge. User is responsible for time limitations and usage.

With just about any device having access to the Internet, I don't find this pill too useful. One of the only situations I find this useful is when your phone dies or you don't have your phone with you. Having access to the Internet is pretty much having all the knowledge in the world, provided that you know how to google search and properly use wikipedia. There was a special boundary I couldn't think to set: the speed of the browsing. Having an hour limitation is great for Google fiber-like speeds, but not so great for those still on that dial-up modem. What should the Internet speed be? Mental limitations? Whichever is available in the area? This pill is still pretty wonky to me, but with the Internet literally being EVERYWHERE anyway, I don't see much point to it. Plus, the above caption pretty much sums up what your mind would be like all the time. You'd waste the hour on memes. Shame.

Pink Pill
Gives you the ability to shape shift into anything. Can only use 2 times a day for a maximum of 2 hours.

Special Boundaries: Shape shifting limited to observable, scientifically proven, existing things. Can not be a dragon, mythical creature, etc. Will retain personal cognitive thinking after shift. This means not being distracted by every single thing when shifting into a dog, unless you yourself are like that. Vocal limitations are in place. You will only bark as a dog, no Disney talking animal stuff. Shape shifting into an inanimate object does not allow manual movement. You turn into a bucket? You're gonna stay there until someone decides to pick your bucket ass up. User is responsible for time limitations and usage.

Watching the .gif up there is a pretty good reason to have this power, though that situation seems unplanned. Another fun pill to pick, though only being able to use it twice a day is probably not enough. Maybe my creative juices aren't working at full power, but I can't seem to find the fun in this one, given the limitations. Most I would do, and don't get creeped out, is turn into a celebrity or general person of interest and just have my way with myself. I'd turn into Channing Tatum and see how much I'm packin. I'd like to know what the fattest/tallest/shortest/smallest/oldest person in the world feels like. Go through all the animals and objects I'm interested in and after I'd just be bored.

Grey Pill
Gives you the ability to make someone love you with a single touch. Can use 10 times in your life. Can turn on/off.

boop.

Special Boundaries: Can control on who to touch. No walking around with gloves like Rogue from X-Men accidentally making people fall in love with you. When touching a person, it becomes their perception of love, not yours. Touching the girl of your dreams just to find out she's a clingy paranoid creep is on you. User is responsible for keeping track of usage.

I'm 25:75 for this one. I would probably spend a few times seeing what the effects were for different people, living out local fantasies. I would never have the opportunity to touch Zooey Deschanel's hand, so obviously it has its drawbacks. The ultimate deal breaker for this pill is living through the love cycle knowing that the love isn't real. Love is a huge topic to be discussed, but in general, this pill could only be appreciated superficially, and wouldn't be something I could use in the long term. I say it's a good pill for a high school or college student to have to live out their fantasies. If you're a single middle aged person desperate for something more, then by all means use it. Just know that all of it came from a pill.

Black Pill
Gives you the ability to see into the future by a maximum of 5 years, can use any time, but using your power publicly causes a lot of hassle to your daily life.

Special Boundaries: All time travel/changing the past effects the future type paradoxes are affected. Too complicated to explain.

I can imagine taking this pill thinking it would be the best, only to cause utter chaos in the long run. I'd find myself checking the future, seeing if something I had done to change it affected the way the future is laid out. They say one change in the past can drastically change the future. It's too much to concern yourself with. If you scan 5 years ahead as a freshman in college to see that you're still unemployed would encourage you to change majors and check again only to see your unhappy then change again and again until you're satisfied with your result. I can't discuss taking this pill without getting lost in my own thoughts. This one is a no no for me.

Final Decision:
I'd still go with the green pill. A majority of the comments under the picture where I had found it agreed. When I initially saw it, I thought maybe it was a stupid choice, but it's probably the safest choice out there. A close second would be yellow, followed by grey then pink. I would dismiss the orange and black pills altogether and would only consider the red and blue pills under certain curious situations. I'm actually a little glad I talked myself through the choices. Internet is fun.

ta ta kids

>_< News You Already Know About

So it's been awhile since I've posted anything up here, and to be honest I haven't had much desire to do so. I tend to forget that part of the reason why I keep this page up is to work on my communication skills and overall writing. As a scientist, there isn't much opportunity to explore yourself through a writing medium. Though I digress. There's been a handful of news lately that I've been dying to talk about. Let's see if I can keep myself entertained...

Reese Witherspoon Arrested for Being Obnoxious

If there was a candidate and an overall pageant for "America's Sweetheart" I think she'd be a good shoe in to win alongside Uncle Sam and the red headed girl from Wendy's... is her name Wendy? Anyway, she (not Wendy) got into a bit of a tussle with the law - her husband was getting arrested for a DUI. She makes the always great decision to butt in during the arrest and eventually gets arrested herself for obstruction. Now this is pretty relatively old news, but it resurfaced again because there was a dash cam video of her altercation with the officer making the arrest. Google is a thing, if you'd like to find it. The whole problem with this story is that she pulls the 'ol "do you know who I am?" spiel on the officer. It probably shouldn't bother more than it does, but I just don't like it when celebrities abuse they're social standing as a means to get away with certain things. They are just normal people at the end of it all. Heck - I bet her mugshot looks just like any other -

nah that's actually pretty hot. She's not even looking at the camera. What a cutie pie. Never mind. She's cool.

High School Students Suspended for "Twerking"

This news is actually pretty new, as of typing this article, so don't be so alarmed if you haven't caught up yet. That's what I'm here for. The gist of it goes like this. Look above these words. See the header for this section? Read it. That's what happened. That probably took way longer to type out than actually telling you about the story. There's even a link to the video. Find it here. I wouldn't be surprised if it was taken down though. The students in the act were suspended (obviously) and weren't allowed to walk at their graduation. The big thing to take away here is your opinion on whether or not the school provided the right punishment. Personally, I believe the school made the right choice. It's around the middle of where the punishment should be. I would LOVE the kids to be expelled, but I also think that suspension doesn't really mean anything to these students. You can tell because a bunch of them WILLINGLY put on some yoga pants, positioned themselves upside down and started air humping while in the presence of a negro in serious need of some swag. 

I believe he's beginning to re-evaluate his life choices.

Suspension to deviants like these will be treated as days off from school. So the addition of taking away their walk in graduation was appropriate. I hope this act of stupidity seriously puts a halt on any dreams and aspirations they have. Another thing to note is that they were only punished because the video was made on school property. Take this kind of crap at home kids.

Also, twerking is a terrible word.

I thought I had one more article to cover here, but I've been in and out of typing this blog so I can't remember what it was. I believe what I've got here is enough for now. It was a good break from blogging and maybe a good start getting back into the swing of things. Until next time.

ta ta kids

>_< The Douche-mobile

Apparently March is "hate everyone on the planet month" because it seems like everyday I'm in a situation where I think... "man... I hate you and everyone like you." The previous post, was mainly aimed towards teenyboppers who don't know any better, finding their own self worth through shameless photo whoring and poor joke execution. Theres.. just... so many. Today however, I've found the new person to hate, and I've hated this type of person for a decently long time, but this guy just sealed the deal for me. I HAVE to blog about this. I HAVE to voice my opinion behind a computer screen so there's no WAY you can beat me up. This is totally a good idea.

Of course I have to put the obligatory disclaimer, how not EVERYONE I describe is like this. But most of you are. So basically I'm just rounding up. Math is fun.

The douche-mobile. Everyone has their own standard for this car. A generic one I can think of is a Hummer. Big, gas guzzling, and if you could picture the guy coming out of it he'd probably look like this:

"My car and I both take diesel"

The thing is, the past decade kind of put that stereotype out of style with the economy and gas crisis. Nowadays we have the teeny little H3, and the person coming out of it is probably a hot soccer mom (who is also tiny and cheating on her husband) and/or a butch lesbian (which I'm not really willing to Google image at work). This isn't what this article is about. (This is an article now?!) My version of the douche-mobile is none other than:

My air freshener is a can of Axe body spray.

That's right. The VW Golf GTi. Don't get me wrong, the one pictured above is probably the überDOUCHE (that's a German lesson since we're talking German cars here). Though the plain ones are just as a bad because they come standard with the person driving it...

You get two choices here. And they're both right.

Please read the above disclaimer before reading further. I'm stereotyping a lot about the drivers of this car, because here in Jersey this is the only person you see out there behind the wheel of this glorified station wagon (I believe the term is "hatchback"). I don't know what it is about you, driver of the GTi behind me, that you just need to prove yourself to me and everyone on the road that you're far superior than everyone else. The car you're driving could be swept away with a strong spring breeze. Did you have to tint your windows and brake lights midnight black? It doesn't matter if no one else can see you, I know exactly what you look like. Oh? You got those sweet rims that they offer when your parents bought you your car? Let me see them!

It can hold FIVE of your tampons!

What's that? You decided to actually step up and buy something yourself? Did you get some original looking rims for your sweet ride, the VW Golf Gti?! Let me see them! WAIT! Let me guess - they're black with the red trim, right?

"Nah bro, its ONYX... you know.. with an X?"

As I've said, it's not hard to pick you out of the crowd. What you're driving is a nice car, I will give you that. I almost bought a GTi myself. The attitude that comes with it is really just giving this car a bad name for me. For example: I'm driving down a 2-lane street, 25 mph speed limit and I push it to about 35 because ain't nobody got time for dat. GTi is behind me, you can kind of tell that he wants to go faster because you're a douche. We come across a stoplight and I stay to the left, for those who want to turn right on red. Chad (that's your name DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME) comes up from behind me and now we're at the light together. I instantly know what he's going to do. He's going to speed up ahead of me because I was going 10 over the speed limit, and that's just way too slow. Light turns green, and he and that incessant "roar" of his GTi speed off past me. Here's the thing though - I'm fine if you do that on a route or highway with stoplights. I get people have places to go. However, if we're on a 25 speed limit the road ahead of us merges into 1 lane, approaching a hospital and a school zone - please don't attempt to start a drag race. The worst part is there was a car not too far ahead and I had the pleasure of watching the GTi now in FRONT of me, be a douche to the person now in front of him. That's second-hand douchebaggery. That's cancerous. I know, there are literally scientific studies on the subject.

"This test tube has house music coming out of it."

The point is, there was no need to over take me. You look like a pretentious ass. You spent 5 seconds proving to me that your car accelerated faster than mine, only to be in the same position just one car ahead. I hope you get to your destination a second earlier than originally planned. Congratulations. Turn down your indie rap music so you can hear the officer talk when he pulls your ass over.

What's your douche-mobile?

ta ta kids

>_< The Cancer of Instagram

Instagram is a nice little MOBILE social networking site, perfectly designed to get you out of any awkward situation, or a lonely 5 minutes to check your phone so you actually seem busy with things and people you don''t care about. Waiting for friends? INSTAGRAM. Conversation taking too long? INSTAGRAM. Poop? INSTAGRAM. Either way, it's become one of  the normal phone checks in my life, as I've pretty much given up social media in general - but I'm still considering twitter. Only to have something more to check on my phone because I'm so incredibly lonely.

As of recent, Instagram has integrated a teeny bit to your computer, where you can just check profiles and your feed, not so much explore pictures. It's neat I suppose, and as a shameless self plug, you can go ahead and follow my Instagram @blueft00by. Go on, I'll wait here.

It should come to no surprise that there are really stupid people on this site. I'm not talking about people who  just post pictures, but the people who like them and of course, the comments. It's actually not as bad, but there are always little gems that manage to lose more of my faith in humanity. Don't get me wrong, I "like" a lot of pictures. But at least they're actually good pictures. So let's get right down to it. And before you say "if you hate them so much, don't look at it." I wish I could but this cancer is everywhere.

IRL COMICS
There are some people who do this right. Executed in a proper way, without having a a secondary goal in mind. There are also MANY MANY people that do this wrong. As soon as I find some examples, I'll be happy to show you. They're usually on the popular page after school hours for no reason other than a bunch of 10±5 year old babies who don't know any better because they aren't old enough to access their parents computer because 'yay mommy and daddy finally got my an iPhone for my 8th birthday!.' Spoiled brats.

About 90% of these comics are just rehashed versions of popular "jokes" you might have stumbled upon if you've spent more than an hour online before. About 5% are "you're beautiful" type comics and if there's any percent left, it's actual original funny content.

You are a moron.

This joke is ONLY funny when spoken or read. There is no NEED for pictures like this. All you're doing is taking stupid ass pictures of yourself counting, without even having the DECENCY to put pictures of the actual particles in question. You cunt. The worst part is, people eat this shit up like its the first time they ever heard the joke. If it is, then fine, have your life. But I'll be damned if you aren't in high school by now and haven't heard this joke. There are even pictures of the just the joke itself... just in text. Pathetic.

Thanks, faggots.

There are so many variations of this photo on Instagram and all I can picture is how long these pre-evolved versions of the modern douchebag took to take the "best picture" of themselves. These pictures accomplish two things: they fish for compliments from swooning middle school girls, and they annoy the piss out of me.

FEAUX CELEBRITIES
I know twitter has this thing where celebrities are "verified." This is actually a pretty cool feature because there's a sense of wonder about someone we admire kind of living the same way we do. I don't believe that Instagram has this kind of feature, and you know it because there are hundreds of fake celebrity pages out there. Let's take Selena Gomez as an example. Without even looking at my phone I can bet there are accounts that are named: gomezs, selenagomez, theselenagomez, selenag(insert birth year here), selena(insert middle name or middle initial here to make it more believable)gomez, plus many more. What's annoying is that each one of those user names has a handful of people drooling at the fact that they have some connection to their celebrity in question. Granted, one of them might be real, but some accounts have gotten so good at google imaging, even I can't tell them apart. I'm talking to all of you 35 fake members of One Direction.

Where does that leave the hated picture part? If any celebrity had an Instagram account, it would NOT consist of 100 pictures of them in 3rd person. These pictures are sometimes BLATANTLY obvious in that they were probably searched by a 10±5 year old kid learning how to use Google images for the first time (see above). Nor would they ask you to follow anyone else, because let's be honest - they don't care. Also they probably wouldn't have the time of day to post, so 100 pictures wouldn't even be possible unless the account was run by a PR rep. So no, I don't want to see a magazine feed of my favorite celebrity. That's what the rest of the Internet is for. That kind of leads me to my next set...

CELEBRITY FAN ACCOUNTS
See above. What's worse is that there are multiple for every celebrity, and they all more or less have the same set of pictures. Complete waste of space. I think what's more stupid than these accounts are the peopl- sorry kids - who still believe (and actually ask on the comments) that these are the actual celebrities themselves.

PRETTY LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS
This is really just an age thing. And for legal purposes, I'm not going to try and find examples on Google. It's just a generational thing, you shouldn't be 10 years old holding around an iPhone taking half naked pictures of yourself. Go play outside or something.

DOUBLE TAPPERS
This is probably my most hated thing on Instagram. It's freaking everywhere. It's only aim is to get those "likes" in hopes to get to that ever so coveted popular page for your 15 minutes of fame. I wrote a whole entry on likes and followers, view and subscriptions, sometime last year. Read it here. Let's just go ahead with some examples.

So Stupid

...

These among with many other gems, that are just kind of beat around the bush polls are really whats bringing Instagram down. No one cares if you're still awake, hungry, or over 10 years old. There needs to be some kind of original content filter or something because I'm sick of actually trying to find something interesting on Instagram only to find all this cancer.

I'm not overly sure I've hit all the marks yet. I'll probably make a part 2 soon. SOON.

ta ta kids.

>_< Dreams (no sleeping!)

Just a little quicky for me because it's been on my mind for a bit. We're always hearing on television and even from other people - some you may or may not know - about how someone should chase their dreams and to never give up on their dreams blah blah blah. They also like to point out that there's always time chase your dream, or to go back to school and do what you want to do. I'm all about motivation and sure if you're "young" go for it, but let's take a step back and really focus on the reality here.

Frank Fullerton, Class 2013, BS/MS/MBA Thermonuclearbipartisansponandfork  Electrochemistry, PhD

There is most certainly going to be a time where "chasing your dreams" will probably have to stop. I don't know when that is. It's different for everyone. But it exists. I personally think that if you have a BS in something, or you're approaching your 2nd to last year in college/university your life is pretty much wet cement waiting to dry. As in, yes there is still time to get your shit together, but it's going to have to deal with something you're studying right now or else no one is going to be around to support you. It's tough love, I know, but I believe that some of these statements hold true. I'll take myself as an example.

I've been more comfortable putting my life out there on the interwebs mainly because I've come to a conclusion that I make videos/write blogs solely for my purposes. I'm not looking to gain any publicity or money from any of my content (unless of course I go viral for some strange reason). That being said, you should know that I graduated May 2011 with a B.S. in Chemistry, Math minor.

_______________________

Can I get an aside here? Just look up the top 10 hardest degrees in college. Go ahead. Impressive right?

This is me. Tooting my own horn. Also, iStock Photo.
... have I used this photo before?

______________________

Currently, I'm in school studying for my MS in Chemistry, while maintaining a full time job at BASF, The Chemical Company. (SPONSOR!) Was this what my dream was? HELL no. Is it interesting to me? Enough to keep me going. Now here's the kicker: am I happy? Not as much as I could be. People are always telling you to do what you love or else work will be a miserable thing. The thing is, I was under a lot of pressure from my parents, my peers, society, and the economy to put my head on straight. Parents want doctor or pharmacist, friends want some crazy ass degree I've never heard of, society encourages money, etc. What did I want to do? I wanted to be a game designer/tester and work for Nintendo. That's my dream. I wouldn't give an indication on whether or not it was my dream or if it still is my dream. I've accepted the fact that it doesn't matter. Why didn't I choose to go that route right after high school? Weren't you paying attention? I was too busy being bugged about being something I didn't want to do. I ended up taking weird engineering classes, home ec (cuz chef, amirite?), and other things. I STILL get emails for engineering programs, I'm not interested anymore dammit! Is this my fault? Yes and no for giving into the pressures around me. When I got into college undeclared, I took a slight interest in Pharmacy, though I had to start off with a science major first. I knew I hated biology, so I chose chemistry instead. The rest is history.

Now peep this. At the time of writing this, I'm 23. People older than me will think that's pretty young. People younger than me will think that's pretty old. Is it old enough to give up on my dream? Age wise, I don't really believe so, but I've reached the point in my life where buckling down and getting ready to get my shit together is a priority. My (blessed and super awesome) parents put me through school and I don't want them to wait any longer to let them know I'm able to take care of myself. That's the thing. My parents were ready to settle down, and they had me when they were 28ish, I think. That's 5 years from now for me. If I wanted to start up again and apply to college, spend another 4 years for a degree in art or something, then another amount of years to finally get what I want. Ain't nobody got time - or the money - fo dat.

This animosity might come from experience. As previously stated, my parents paid for college. They also paid for my older sister, who is still in school because she made the noble, and respectable decision to switch majors and do what she wants to do. The problem with that is that she chose to do so 1 year before graduating with a BS in psychology. Why not just finish? Then take your OWN money and chase your dream yourself. Our parents work hard enough to provide. No need to shave off more of their years because you decided 3 years into college that it wasn't for you. (end of mini rant) 

I know that times have changed. People are poor. If you're going to decide to chase your dreams, do it on your own expense and time. If you're blessed with a debt free tuition, then you better stick with what you get and make the best of it. That's what I did. There is a time where chasing your dreams is no longer an option. That's why they call it a dream. I hate to be Debbie Downer but it's true.

I've realized that this entry may have taken a life of it's own. Not even sure if I got my original point across.

I can't do anything right. Waahh wahh wahh wahhhhhhhhhh

ta ta kids

>_< Star Spangled Scammer

O'Oh say CAN'T SHE SING. These are just two of the handful of other news headlines that I've already forgotten becasue some diva and 1/2 of a power couple (and may or may not be part of the illuminati) decided that she would take it easy on the presidential inauguration. So if you've been living under a rock and or have been dead the last week, you should probably consider adopting a new lifestyle - becasue hun it just ain't working for you.

The other guy I know who lives under a rock... not doing so well.

Also fun fact, Patrick Seastars address is 120 Conch Street. I know. Tell your friends. Get laid. Not in that order. So let's continue with the story...

My favorite niggarette flavored gum Beyonce (excuse me while I exclue that dumbshit accent - ain't nobody got time for dat) decided that she would go ahead and sing over a recorded track of our national anthem during Obama's second inauguration, January 21,2012 - Martin Lunther King Jr Day (totally the black illuminati). Apparently a lot of people aren't too happy with the decision and are pretty much chastizing her for doing the dirty deed. Now I'm not a journalist. I'm not going to go research and find some quote from the New York Times, USA Today, Playboy, or some other respected news media so just go with me when I tell you that people aren't happy. Also it should be mentioned that Kelly Clarkson or first American Idol victor did a rendition of American the Beautiful WITHOUT lip-synching it. She killed it. It was awesome, she's not getting any crap from any of this... just a whole lot of well deserved praise.

Keep flyin high girl. Mile high. Club. Mile high club. Please have sex with me.

So here's the skinny (which often at times is NOT Kelly Clarkson)... it's a cold day in Washington DC. I'm a multiplatinum CD selling, baby making, all star diva and I know I've been invited and asked to perform our nations anthem for our equally tan President on his inauguration day. I haven't had much time to practice with the band, I know my voice is gonna go outside in the cold, and let's just face it I don't have time for it. So, I do the next logical thing (and this is the detail everyone seems to be skipping) - I'm going to record MYSELF singing the national anthem and sing over it, just so I can eliminate the possibility of any error. Good job, me. Let's make another billion for the baby. Blue Ivy? Is that her name? Screw it, I'm rich.

Good story. I like the part where everyone makes her out to be some lazy, anti-american, she devil becasue she didn't have the gaul like Kelly Clarkson to potentially ruin our nations anthem on live television in front of millions of people. Woo. That Beyonce is a jerk. What? She isn't? Becasue it seems to me that she did the right thing, and she freaking sang the song herself anyway in a more controlled, not voice tearing environment. I don't see what the problem is. I think it was just a slow news day and since no one died from a shooting, people are gonna take the attention to anyone they want. We as Americans - no as people - have this undying desire to pin point every flaw on anyone we revere. So that we can prove to everyone else (but really just ourselves) that they are just as human as we are and sometimes we do what's best for ourselves. At least with this example she might have actually thought about us and decided to give us great quality singing by sacrificing a star studded performance. This wasn't a concert people - this was an inauguration - did you think she would be pacing left and right on stage? She wasn't here to entertain us, she was here to welcome Obama for whatever shit he does and to honor our fine (but broken and corrupt) nation with a played out anthem so we - as "proud Americans" - can feel better about ourselves as we carry out the American dream.

Think about what would happen if she actually sang it live and missed a couple notes or her voice craked? Imagine the slander there. She was in a lose-lose situation from te get go. The media is hungry for that kind of crap. They'll twist the story anyway they want to and they'll spoon feed it to our mouths and we will accept is as fact. I believe either way she probably did the right thing. Hands down.

And anyone who cares about the shenanigans that Beyonce pulled are probably in line waiting to get their genitals nipped by Washingon's wooden teeth. Wake the hell up, America, you're not that great.

His bark was worse than his bite.

ZING!