Death of a Coworker

Death is an uncomfortable situation for most of us, When a coworker dies, the situation feels undefined and confusing. We spend a tremendous amount of time together with our coworkers. We are a part of the same daily world, yet we may not be close friends. We feel the loss daily as thoughts return to past or present projects and files or memos resurface. Walking past the "empty desk" becomes uncomfortable. It's confusing and sometimes frightening for coworkers to experience the depth of these feelings. People often try to talk themselves and others out of them. It is realistic and appropriate that coworkers are affected. To different degrees, we too, are the mourners, the ones left behind. IT TAKES TIME before we feel like ourselves and things return to normal.

Let's drop the professional act right there. It's time for real talk.

My coworker passed away recently. Being my pseudo-second boss, he was the last person I had talked to before I left work on Tuesday, June 17, 2014. His passing, has affected me a lot more than one would expect. My grandfather passed in February. He lived in the Philippines so my contact with him was limited. When he passed, I was largely unaffected. It really more or less hit home after I saw how it affected everyone else. I wasn't sad about his passing - I was sad about how others felt about his passing. Broke me to hear family members grieve, but I didn't grieve much. Is that odd? I'm not sure but I'm getting off topic.

My point is that my coworker's passing affected me. Someone I didn't know for too long, but the fact that I was in contact with him, and also the last person I spoke to before leaving made me feel something more than the passing of my own family member. I'm sure this is normal. The only reason why I'm typing anything about this (and I haven't published anything so far this year) is that theres something to say about the way his passing is treated in the workplace.

SIDE NOTE: Apparently there are 5 stages of coping - shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I guess this is anger. - - - end side note

I got the call at 7AM. I would never get a call from work that early unless it was important, so I answered and received the news - shock/denial. I spent the rest of the day spreading the news the people in my group at work then slowly went into a quiet depression. I'd been doing just fine until just today when our group leader called a mandatory counseling session. So let's get angry.

First and foremost: counseling on a death of a coworker should NEVER be mandatory. I get that you're trying to help others (like me) who keep to themselves after experiencing something like this, but abusing your power and forcing others and myself to a group counseling session is absurd, and a waste of time. I spent the whole session looking down and distracting myself from making eye contact with this "professional griever" because at that point I wasn't having any bullshit. I guess he's just been doing this counseling this for so long that everything he says and all the advice he gives sounds scripted and not geniune at all. Fake ass mofo says he understands but I believe he has become jaded due to over exposure to the situation.

Anyway, what got to me the most is when our group leader started talking about how his passing was a "great loss" and how much she appreciates everything he did for our group. Now this may be all well and good if it didn't come out so... professional. It was like hearing back from a college rejection letter. Same old scripted, vague, not geniune response. The same words would come out if I or anyone else passed away and that just isn't fair. I just wanted for once see these people be unprofessional. Drop the uniform, the ID card, and let me see how you really are. Stop with the "he was a great asset to the company and his contributions will be remembered blah blah blah blah"

I didn't know him as well as others did. Maybe I'm not qualified to say anything about it. I believe - and if you're somehow out there reading this feel free to agree - that you wouldn't want it like that. One of the many qualities that I remember about you that isn't the generic "great guy" or "family man" is that you know how to call out bullshit. In this project we were working on, you were the only one to call out if an idea was stupid. To hear others talk about your passing so generically is insulting and I apologize for the way it is... becasue that's business.

My group leader also said the business group is also greatly affected. This is true, but they aren't grieving, they're sweating their balls off trying to find a way to get their money back. I don't believe anyone higher than your position cares all that much about your loss. They're more worried about how to bounce back and continue making money. I can't blame them though, that's the nature of their job and I almost feel sorry for them.

My main point inf all this unorganized rambling is that I'm sick and tired of trying to maintain a professional environment. I hate that I have to talk differently when I'm at work and that I have to supress what I want to say, and even more differently to more important people. I want to give you a hive five, not shake your hand. I want to tell that counselor that he's a fake ass mother fucker. I want to tell the group leader that her scripted bull shit nonsense treats my coworkers passing like a college rejection letter. I'm so tired of not seeing people for who they really are behind their button down shirt.

I'm sad that you're gone, man. I'm sad that this blog doesn't do you justice and that I'm using it to portray my hatred towards big business and professionalism in general. What I'm most sad about is that before you left this world you told me to "have a good night" and when I said "you too," I didn't really mean it - I just said it becasue it was the professional thing to do.