Wanted to type something out before the moment passes.
My grandmother passed away a couple days ago. My father's side. His last parent.
If you've known me for awhile, you know its hard for me to seem genuine in my emotions. I have trouble expressing my excitement towards other peoples goals and accomplishments. I have trouble expressing my deepest condolences towards other people during a time of grief and mourning. It's not that I don't care - it's just that I don't feel like I have a proper grip on basic human interaction yet. Or ever. But that's for another time. Probably.
My grandmother suffered a pretty bad aneurysm combined with some sort of heart attack on Mothers Day. Probably because the universe has it out for my family or whatever. She was comatose in the hospital before she finally passed on the 16th.
All of my grandparents reside in the Philippines. I don't see them too often. Once every 3 or 4 years. It's a pretty crappy scenario, but I believe a lot of first generation immigrants have to deal with this as well. I wouldn't say I was incredibly close with all of them - but I was definitely close enough to this one. Cried like a little baby to sleep that night. I admit though, it was a mixture of sadness for her actual passing, and sympathy (empathy?) for my fathers loss. When my mother's father passed away, most of my sadness came from her sadness. So this was a nice change, I suppose.
I don't really know where this post is planning on going, so I apologize if there's no structure.
Anyway, I went to go visit my parents as they were packing to fly out. I obviously immediately went to my father. Locked in a very rare and loving embrace, he whispers in my ear, "I don't have any parents anymore."
My world shattered.
It's a universal thought to owe a lot to your parents. Even if they were the worst ones in the world, you still have them to thank for being in this world. You start off relying on them, you grow up hating them, you man up and start repaying them, and then you spend the rest of your days owing them. When these people are no longer in your life - what happens next? Who do we turn to? (This is all for dramatic effect apparently, since all this grief is so fresh because I get it - we move on, time heals all wounds, honor her legacy blah blah).
Every time someone remotely close to me passes away, I spend like the next 3 months questioning my own mortality, and what happens after you're gone - all that existential stuff. But this new layer of losing both your parents really put my mind in a tizzy. I wasn't happy. I'm still getting over it a little bit.
So the next worst part of it all is that she actually passes right before my parents got there. Our typical commute to the Philippines includes a stopover in Taipei, and that must've been where they were when the official news was delivered. What a pain. My dad texted my sister a picture of his mothers coffin with the caption "I was late." He can be so dramatic sometimes. And effective.
It makes me sad when my parents are sad. They deserve the world because they gave me mine. And the circumstances that led to all of this inconvenience to not be around when your parents die is all due to our generation of immigrants who left their own parents to come to this country to provide a better life for their future. What an amazingly selfless thing to do. I can only promise not to be late.
She was such a queen. If Julie Andrews from Princess Diaries were Filipino, it would be my grandmother. Whenever I was around her, she was always smiling, always cooking - for everyone and for no one. She would cook breakfast, post breakfast, lunch, post lunch, pre dinner, dinner dinner, and dessert. You were never hungry when she was around.
She loved to dance. She was graceful, poised, proper. She was classy for the past and she was classy in the present. She made being classy from the past really cool in the present. Through all this, she garnered respect from all her children and her grandchildren. That was the best thing about her. My grandfather and all his children (my dad, aunts and uncles) would love to bicker and argue about silly things. Could've been about the company, money, other things. As soon as she intervened it would all stop. It was amazing. All her grandchildren would be running around making noise, getting drunk, and she could put a stop to all of it. She kept it altogether. She kept us all together. I worry a little bit now that she's no longer a physical presence - and don't baby me with the "she's always in your heart and in your memory" because you know what I mean. Sure her passing will bring everyone together again, but I can only hope that it isn't temporary. Once the moment passes and we all begin to be "fine again," who will be there to keep us in check?
I gotta be honest, when I left last time and I said my goodbyes. I didn't think it was going to be my last time. I think my father had mentioned that there might've been a chance that it could've been, but it wouldn't have been fair to think like that. She was healthy, active, moving, alive in the purest sense of the word. What happened to her was tragic, and unfair. And that's when my grief turns to anger - but I can't let that take the front seat.
I'm really going to miss you, You kept your family together like no one I'd ever seen before. I'm going to miss picking you up during our hugs and the looks everyone would give me because they thought I was going to break you. I don't think I ever would've. Nothing was going to break you.
What ultimate power in the universe had the gall to point their finger at my grandmother and decide that it was time? There are so many other people who are deserving. It's incredibly frustrating.
Anyway, I wanted to make an whole instgram post about this, but I kinda feel like putting that kinda stuff out there is weird. I had done it before but I don't really know if I'd do it again. Like - why would you "like" it when someone passes. It's just odd. Plus I don't want a huge audience reading this. If you happen to stop by, thanks for reading out my thoughts. As always though, this one was for me. And for her. Love you. Miss you.
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