>_< I Feel Powerless When...

Interesting thought. And it's a good topic to talk about in light of some recent things that have been going on in the world. Maybe this will turn into a meaningful discussion, or maybe it'll just spiral out of control and I won't even end up answering the question. Regardless, let's get right to it.

I've been feeling weak as of late. It's been about 3 weeks since returning from Orlando for a huge volleyball tournament. Weeks prior to going, I did very well in making sure I was running or doing some type of workout every day. Worked on my arms and legs to make sure I was primed for the tournament. The event had it's ups and downs, with a satisfying enough finish. The day after finals I was my regular sore, like I'm used to. I enjoyed that type of pain. It lets me know that I worked hard and I deserved a rest. I could usually be back on the horse after a week or so. As I mentioned before, it's been 3 weeks. It's not to say that I don't think I could step on a court and play right now - but there are some things I'm feeling in my body that I haven't really felt before. It's troubling. I've known for a long time now that I wasn't the spry 19 year old player I was, nor am I the pure combination of strength and mind when I was 22 or 23. I've hit my glory days and I'll say this to most every player I know, I'm on my decline. It's easy to admit to your teammates, but it's hard to admit to yourself.

I feel powerless when my body says no to the things I used to be able to do. It's infuriating. Perhaps it's the lifestyle I live catching up to me. No, I'm not a cross country runner, I'm not a paid athlete. I'm the type of guy who checks himself in front of the mirror and says, "wow I'm getting fat, let's work to get back to the shape I was when I looked in my mirror and said, 'I'm happy where you are.'" (Side note: that quote within a quote was a formatting nightmare). Anyway, the dream is to be able to see some abs and get rid of those pesky love handles, but good god damn I love food way too much. When you're raised by a culture that embraces food so much that there's a meal dedicated to just throwing shit on a table and eating with your hands? ... how can you not.

Look at it. Hows that blood pressure?

But yes. I feel powerless. Knowing that I can't really weight bear on my left knee. Knowing that every time I go to jump, it was never, and is never going to be, as high that it once was. A vivid memory I have when I was 19 was when I went to attack a ball, I could see everyone on the other side of the court - and I cranked in on the 10-11 foot line, center court. Fast forward to 23-24 yrs old I remember the same feeling, but ONLY because a block was dropped. And now, at 26-27 - I'm lucky if I can see holes anywhere in the opposing teams defense (but they're there). Maybe I'm just having a midlife crisis for those who played a sport. Maybe I'll have another resurgence of energy and skill. There was a point in time where I wasn't taking pain killers to play in my 22-24 years. Those were the days.

I feel powerless knowing that my life is not necessarily controlled by me. I can only do a small part to know that I'm not going to step in front of traffic, or jump of a cliff. If someone, someday, somewhere, decides that it's my turn to die - I'm powerless. 49 people never got to choose. A musician never got to choose. It's insulting. We, as arguably the smartest beings on this planet, have the power to choose. But at the same time there is so much about us that we cannot control. I will feel powerless when I take a trip later this week, knowing that I'll enter the same environment where 49 people never got to choose. I will feel powerless knowing that someone else's choice to execute impedes my choice to live. Life is truly unfair.

And don't even get my started on those presidential hopefuls. If you think we're powerless now - then stay tuned.

ta ta kids.