>_< The Douche-mobile

Apparently March is "hate everyone on the planet month" because it seems like everyday I'm in a situation where I think... "man... I hate you and everyone like you." The previous post, was mainly aimed towards teenyboppers who don't know any better, finding their own self worth through shameless photo whoring and poor joke execution. Theres.. just... so many. Today however, I've found the new person to hate, and I've hated this type of person for a decently long time, but this guy just sealed the deal for me. I HAVE to blog about this. I HAVE to voice my opinion behind a computer screen so there's no WAY you can beat me up. This is totally a good idea.

Of course I have to put the obligatory disclaimer, how not EVERYONE I describe is like this. But most of you are. So basically I'm just rounding up. Math is fun.

The douche-mobile. Everyone has their own standard for this car. A generic one I can think of is a Hummer. Big, gas guzzling, and if you could picture the guy coming out of it he'd probably look like this:

"My car and I both take diesel"

The thing is, the past decade kind of put that stereotype out of style with the economy and gas crisis. Nowadays we have the teeny little H3, and the person coming out of it is probably a hot soccer mom (who is also tiny and cheating on her husband) and/or a butch lesbian (which I'm not really willing to Google image at work). This isn't what this article is about. (This is an article now?!) My version of the douche-mobile is none other than:

My air freshener is a can of Axe body spray.

That's right. The VW Golf GTi. Don't get me wrong, the one pictured above is probably the überDOUCHE (that's a German lesson since we're talking German cars here). Though the plain ones are just as a bad because they come standard with the person driving it...

You get two choices here. And they're both right.

Please read the above disclaimer before reading further. I'm stereotyping a lot about the drivers of this car, because here in Jersey this is the only person you see out there behind the wheel of this glorified station wagon (I believe the term is "hatchback"). I don't know what it is about you, driver of the GTi behind me, that you just need to prove yourself to me and everyone on the road that you're far superior than everyone else. The car you're driving could be swept away with a strong spring breeze. Did you have to tint your windows and brake lights midnight black? It doesn't matter if no one else can see you, I know exactly what you look like. Oh? You got those sweet rims that they offer when your parents bought you your car? Let me see them!

It can hold FIVE of your tampons!

What's that? You decided to actually step up and buy something yourself? Did you get some original looking rims for your sweet ride, the VW Golf Gti?! Let me see them! WAIT! Let me guess - they're black with the red trim, right?

"Nah bro, its ONYX... you know.. with an X?"

As I've said, it's not hard to pick you out of the crowd. What you're driving is a nice car, I will give you that. I almost bought a GTi myself. The attitude that comes with it is really just giving this car a bad name for me. For example: I'm driving down a 2-lane street, 25 mph speed limit and I push it to about 35 because ain't nobody got time for dat. GTi is behind me, you can kind of tell that he wants to go faster because you're a douche. We come across a stoplight and I stay to the left, for those who want to turn right on red. Chad (that's your name DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME) comes up from behind me and now we're at the light together. I instantly know what he's going to do. He's going to speed up ahead of me because I was going 10 over the speed limit, and that's just way too slow. Light turns green, and he and that incessant "roar" of his GTi speed off past me. Here's the thing though - I'm fine if you do that on a route or highway with stoplights. I get people have places to go. However, if we're on a 25 speed limit the road ahead of us merges into 1 lane, approaching a hospital and a school zone - please don't attempt to start a drag race. The worst part is there was a car not too far ahead and I had the pleasure of watching the GTi now in FRONT of me, be a douche to the person now in front of him. That's second-hand douchebaggery. That's cancerous. I know, there are literally scientific studies on the subject.

"This test tube has house music coming out of it."

The point is, there was no need to over take me. You look like a pretentious ass. You spent 5 seconds proving to me that your car accelerated faster than mine, only to be in the same position just one car ahead. I hope you get to your destination a second earlier than originally planned. Congratulations. Turn down your indie rap music so you can hear the officer talk when he pulls your ass over.

What's your douche-mobile?

ta ta kids

>_< The Cancer of Instagram

Instagram is a nice little MOBILE social networking site, perfectly designed to get you out of any awkward situation, or a lonely 5 minutes to check your phone so you actually seem busy with things and people you don''t care about. Waiting for friends? INSTAGRAM. Conversation taking too long? INSTAGRAM. Poop? INSTAGRAM. Either way, it's become one of  the normal phone checks in my life, as I've pretty much given up social media in general - but I'm still considering twitter. Only to have something more to check on my phone because I'm so incredibly lonely.

As of recent, Instagram has integrated a teeny bit to your computer, where you can just check profiles and your feed, not so much explore pictures. It's neat I suppose, and as a shameless self plug, you can go ahead and follow my Instagram @blueft00by. Go on, I'll wait here.

It should come to no surprise that there are really stupid people on this site. I'm not talking about people who  just post pictures, but the people who like them and of course, the comments. It's actually not as bad, but there are always little gems that manage to lose more of my faith in humanity. Don't get me wrong, I "like" a lot of pictures. But at least they're actually good pictures. So let's get right down to it. And before you say "if you hate them so much, don't look at it." I wish I could but this cancer is everywhere.

IRL COMICS
There are some people who do this right. Executed in a proper way, without having a a secondary goal in mind. There are also MANY MANY people that do this wrong. As soon as I find some examples, I'll be happy to show you. They're usually on the popular page after school hours for no reason other than a bunch of 10±5 year old babies who don't know any better because they aren't old enough to access their parents computer because 'yay mommy and daddy finally got my an iPhone for my 8th birthday!.' Spoiled brats.

About 90% of these comics are just rehashed versions of popular "jokes" you might have stumbled upon if you've spent more than an hour online before. About 5% are "you're beautiful" type comics and if there's any percent left, it's actual original funny content.

You are a moron.

This joke is ONLY funny when spoken or read. There is no NEED for pictures like this. All you're doing is taking stupid ass pictures of yourself counting, without even having the DECENCY to put pictures of the actual particles in question. You cunt. The worst part is, people eat this shit up like its the first time they ever heard the joke. If it is, then fine, have your life. But I'll be damned if you aren't in high school by now and haven't heard this joke. There are even pictures of the just the joke itself... just in text. Pathetic.

Thanks, faggots.

There are so many variations of this photo on Instagram and all I can picture is how long these pre-evolved versions of the modern douchebag took to take the "best picture" of themselves. These pictures accomplish two things: they fish for compliments from swooning middle school girls, and they annoy the piss out of me.

FEAUX CELEBRITIES
I know twitter has this thing where celebrities are "verified." This is actually a pretty cool feature because there's a sense of wonder about someone we admire kind of living the same way we do. I don't believe that Instagram has this kind of feature, and you know it because there are hundreds of fake celebrity pages out there. Let's take Selena Gomez as an example. Without even looking at my phone I can bet there are accounts that are named: gomezs, selenagomez, theselenagomez, selenag(insert birth year here), selena(insert middle name or middle initial here to make it more believable)gomez, plus many more. What's annoying is that each one of those user names has a handful of people drooling at the fact that they have some connection to their celebrity in question. Granted, one of them might be real, but some accounts have gotten so good at google imaging, even I can't tell them apart. I'm talking to all of you 35 fake members of One Direction.

Where does that leave the hated picture part? If any celebrity had an Instagram account, it would NOT consist of 100 pictures of them in 3rd person. These pictures are sometimes BLATANTLY obvious in that they were probably searched by a 10±5 year old kid learning how to use Google images for the first time (see above). Nor would they ask you to follow anyone else, because let's be honest - they don't care. Also they probably wouldn't have the time of day to post, so 100 pictures wouldn't even be possible unless the account was run by a PR rep. So no, I don't want to see a magazine feed of my favorite celebrity. That's what the rest of the Internet is for. That kind of leads me to my next set...

CELEBRITY FAN ACCOUNTS
See above. What's worse is that there are multiple for every celebrity, and they all more or less have the same set of pictures. Complete waste of space. I think what's more stupid than these accounts are the peopl- sorry kids - who still believe (and actually ask on the comments) that these are the actual celebrities themselves.

PRETTY LITTLE BOYS AND GIRLS
This is really just an age thing. And for legal purposes, I'm not going to try and find examples on Google. It's just a generational thing, you shouldn't be 10 years old holding around an iPhone taking half naked pictures of yourself. Go play outside or something.

DOUBLE TAPPERS
This is probably my most hated thing on Instagram. It's freaking everywhere. It's only aim is to get those "likes" in hopes to get to that ever so coveted popular page for your 15 minutes of fame. I wrote a whole entry on likes and followers, view and subscriptions, sometime last year. Read it here. Let's just go ahead with some examples.

So Stupid

...

These among with many other gems, that are just kind of beat around the bush polls are really whats bringing Instagram down. No one cares if you're still awake, hungry, or over 10 years old. There needs to be some kind of original content filter or something because I'm sick of actually trying to find something interesting on Instagram only to find all this cancer.

I'm not overly sure I've hit all the marks yet. I'll probably make a part 2 soon. SOON.

ta ta kids.