
I didn't realize the pun in the title for a good 15 seconds. I'm a genius. Seriously. Also I've been reading Hyperbole and a Half, it has inspired me to take this blog to a whole 'nother level. One of intellectual casual humor. I find that her voice is somewhat like mine if I tried really really hard to be funny, but since I'm not a few notches down would still be kind of funny? Either way the change in this case is that I'm probably going to stop trying so hard to sound smart for you guys and just really speak the way I was taught to speak, keeping punctuation and spelling into consideration - I mean I'm not a caveman. The real story here is the lottery. It's been on my mind, and I guess everyone else's, for at least 32 hours now.
It's MegaMillions. Today it finally crossed into being worth a 500 million dollars. Before freaking out - which often most people do - take into consderation that it's absolutely an awesome idea to turn that kind of money into pennies (or at least dollar coins) and penetrate that mound like Scrooge McDuck. Also, take the lump sum after tax - which will probably leave you with about 300 million+ ish dollars. Which is none too shabby there, pirate. I've been spending a good portion of the 32 hours really wondering how I would divide the money becasue let's face it - keeping ALL the money for yourself is socially unacceptable (and if no one would judge me for it I might consder the option). I feel like I need to take record of this in case one day I do stumble upon a large lump sum of money and will soon be overcome by family and friends asking exactly what I'm going to do with it. So let's have a fun discussion while also maintaing the integrity of the blog. Quick note: this is under the assumption that I have 500 million dollars and not that crappy stack of 300 million some-odd dollars. Capiche? Oui. Also, please don't judge me on how I stingy I am with money, this is a new thing for me and I'm sure I'd make the necessary adjustments if needed. Let's call it a rough draft. Capiche? Si.
First things first: family. I would be more than comfortable to give 100-120 million to my parents. That's it. They can divide what they got with the rest of their own family members that I've never met. This includes first cousins, second cousinds, removed family members, lost uncles, found aunts, and anyone else they want to give it to. If it really becomes an issue I'd jack it up to million. My sister? She can have 20 million. Maybe more if she asks nicely. So let's say after all that I have 300 million left. Which is kind of funny because that's how much I'd ACTUALLY have after hte whole tax crap we went on about earlier.
Second: debt. Pay the house, car payments, mortgages, loans, bills, anything. My family will have a clean slate of living. My direct family. Under the roof of said family's house. No one else. Install solar panels to increase quality of life - and to make the other neighbors jealous. Sounds simple enough. I just want to make sure my parents don't have to work another day the rest of their lives. They probably wouldn't want ot anyway after all this.
Thirdly: charity. I'd probably choose the 10 most worthy charities and give them each a million dollars each, maybe half if I'm not feeling your credibility. Some charities that come to mind are water.org, the foundation to decrease world suck, something for animals, something for cancer, something for stem cell research, and a VERY small donation to my alma mater. When or if the money comes is probably when I'd hit the books and start making some seirous decisions.
Fourthly: friends. It's funny how chartiy comes before friends. I'm sure in this case there is some psychological reason why and if I tried to explain it in words it would come out like chex mix. More or less I feel like the potential to help others outweighs the satisfaction of a few choice people. Each friend of mine would get varying amounts of money based on our relationship. Actually, scratch that. Each friend is made to believe that every person is getting a flat rate amount of money. Depending on our level of friendship, I will slip more money under the table. I know this could cause a lot of problems, but fuck it I have money, I'll buy new friends. Also, that joke was a little distasteful and I hope my friends are understanding enough to realize that my better friends probably deserve more money.
Fifth...ly: Investment. Theres something primal and feral (same thing?) about humans and coming across a whole lot of money- we always want more. I'm no exception. After getting all the donations and semantics out of the way, my next step is to enlist a friend of mine in order to "flip it." Now when we were discussing this topic, he kept using the term "flip it" when talking about what he wanted to do with his money. I'm no accountant, nor am I good with money like he is, but I'm going to assume that "flipping it" means something much more than taking a stack of money and viewing the "tails" side of the paper (cuz let's face it, when you receive a wad of cash you almost always get it facing heads). It probably actually means close to doubling or even tripling the value... basically make more money. 500 million is probably enough for the rest of someones life, but after all the donations and splitting mentioned earlier, I probably only have less than 200 million left. Whether or not that's actually enough, I wouldn't take the chance seeing if it could, plus this gives an oppurtunity to give my next generations a head start. I wouldn't know the first thing about doing this so I won't go into further detail.
Lastly: myself. I did take my government mandated lunch break so I did lose track of all the awesomeness I was on when typing this post down (minus that fifth step). I'll try my best to pick up where I left off. As long as I didn't forget about any intermediate steps, the rest of the money, I'll assume I'll have less than 200 million. One of the first things I would do is buy a/some car(s). R8, Evos, Celicas, and electric cars. No more than 7, but no fewer than 1. Of course not all at one time. Actually going back to the last step, I'd probably invest in purchasing a gas station. That'd be awesome. Next I'd probably splurge on electronics and unneccesary gadgets. ThisiswhyImbroke.com comes to mind. Also, new wardrobe. Maybe I'd go on vacations for a month. Finally, I'd go back to school and iron out my career plans and just do it. Actually, I'd probably buy a kick ass drumset and start a band and try to make it big.
I'm a firm believer that if and when I win the lottery, I couldn't see myself changing in terms of personality. There are some minor lifestyle changes, sure, but I pride myself into thinking that nothing would change. I'm not buying a new house, I'm not moving to Beverly Hills, I'm staying where I am, just got a couple good cars in my driveway. Though its easy to say becasue I haven't actually been in that position. Maybe I would change, becasue all these nice things I'd get would turn me into such a snob. Gosh, I hope not. The rest of the money I'll pocket like its just casual spending money. What I fear most is when I become targeted for having money. I don't want murderers at my door, people following me wherever I go. What of the media? I'm starting to think that no amount of money is worth such a loss in privacy. Like I said, I haven't won, so I wouldn't know. We'll just have to see...
ta ta kids.